51. PERSONAL JOURNAL

     I was delighted that we got a paragraph, BELIEVE ALL OR BELIEVE NONE, as from my experience, Jesus never communicates with more than 3 phrases by word of knowledge.  For a bit, I was thinking he'd handed us over to God the Father but on reflection, probably not, all that happened was that he gave my go between the message to relay some info from her Jewish Cumash, something similar to a Torah or old testament, to me.
     Something I haven't shared so far that always causes problems is my observation of so many apparent contradictions in the Bible.  After reading a chronological Bible one time, I couldn't help but notice a lot of discrepancies.  At the time, I put my pastor on the spot.  My family had been long time members of a non denominational church which was a member of the Baptist general conference.
     I recall my pastor waving his Bible saying "this is the inerrant, infallible word of God."  In a small meeting or group, it was years ago, I asked him, ok then, "How did Judas die?"  Whatever he answered, either that he fell down in the field of blood and spilled his guts out or that he hanged himself, I could say, "I have inerrant, infallible" proof to the contrary.  Did the fig tree wither immediately when Jesus cursed it or overnight?  Why is Joseph's genealogy different and what does it matter since he wasn't Jesus's biological father?  Was the robe they put on Jesus during his crucifixion scarlet or purple? In MARK 5 at Gerasenes Jesus encounters a demoniac named Legion, he sends the demons into pigs.  In MATTHEW 8, at Gadarenes he encounters 2 demoniacs, doesn't catch their names, but sends their demons into the pigs, is this the same story with contradictions or a different story?  Did Jesus tell one of the thieves he was crucified with, "You'll be in paradise with me today," or did they both curse him?  Was there an angel at the tomb or two men?  You get the idea.  I flumoxed my pastor and all he could tell me was, "Quit looking so hard for problems."  Another non baptized in the Spirit pastor but I didn't know about that at the time.  A bit of online research and I came up with 5 pages, single spaced, of contradictions.
     Unless you jumped in with this posting, you know I'm having indirect conversations with Jesus right now.  I'm definitely a believer but I'd formed the opinion that satan must have had something to do with putting the Bible together to throw us off.  I'd come to the opinion that the truth is in there but we need to take it all in context.
     Like, be careful with EPH 2: 8-9 We're saved by faith through grace, not works so no one may boast, but satan seems to have blinded us to verse 10, "For we are all God's handiwork, created in Christ to be doing good works which God has created in advance for us to be doing."  And keep in mind the second half of James 2 which makes it clear that "Faith without works is dead."  As expounded on in an earlier posting, I think we're told to be doing good works, but there is the verse that with true faith, we'll get in by the skin of out teeth with no works.  Maybe this is going to be judged though with how much grace we've abused so as I said about myself, to hedge my bet because I've abused plenty of grace, I'm going to get in some works.
     Then there's my other pet peeve, the baptist notion that "once saved, always saved," which I think is a total crock and a license to sin.  I first learned of this doctrine years ago at the funeral of a friend who'd committed suicide and recall disagreeing with the pastor.
     Pardon my arrogance but I'm at a point where I seem to know the Bible better most pastors I come across and better than most Bible scholars because I see error in much of their work.  It's my mission to get to the highest possible level of Bible understanding and I believe get information from God the Father, not Jesus.  We have a verse from Jesus that once in his flock, no one will snatch you away, but I'll argue, "How do we measure faith?"  Maybe we fall away because we never had true faith, so were never really his to begin with.  I've got several verses, HEB 6: 4-6 for instance that says if we've gotten in deep with God and fall away, it's impossible for us to be brought back to repentance.  Then there are many verses about all those people who're getting tossed into the furnace and most of us will fit into some of those categories.  Sex sin seems to head those lists next to murder.  Uh oh.  God's going to weigh it all out and He'll be considering mitigating circumstances I believe.
     To get back to my point about contradictions, my brother Gary from CO who just got in deep with God too, has found an explanation for all these errors and I'm happy to know that.  I haven't studied it but I'm going to accept that they can be explained and get on with my quest.  Although the paragraph we just received from on high was about the Torah, I'm going to accept that it applies to all the Bible.
     I thought I had God over a barrel about giving me the perfect wife.  I experienced wedded bliss with my second wife when her kids weren't around so I know it's possible for me and God has improved me much since then.  She doesn't have to be perfect, just compatible with me and yes I'm shallow, tainted by my father who cursed my first marriage by letting me know what a big woman I was marrying, when he met her right before the wedding.  God gave men some supernatural ability to bless or curse their sons' lives, women don't have this ability with their daughters.
     I'd thought she was a gorgeous, voluptuous woman, filled out a bikini nicely, big boned and a bit on the plump side but not fat.  My biological brother'd told me he thought she was the best looking woman I'd been involved with and my Marine Corps buddies though I had a really "cute little blond."  One even asked me if I'd mind if he took a shot at her.  He was nerdy looking and didn't have a chance but I nicely told him to go find his own woman.
     I thoroughly resented and hated my father at the time but inviting him to the wedding in CO seemed appropriate.  He asked if my van was going to be big enough for both of us to sleep in and let me know he thought I was marrying a big woman.  She was about 5'7" and around 150 lbs., petite in comparison to what I see in most possibilities now in the southeast, of women my age.
     His comments suddenly changed my perspective of this woman and I never could cherish her as I should have.  I'd mentally compare her to her smaller friends and lust after them.  By his words of death, I became responsible for ruining this innocent woman's life and was dissatisfied with her though we trudged along for 30 years.  Words of life and words of death, they are for real.  I made a conscious effort to bless my sons and it appears I did.
     This time I wanted to do things right and was really hoping for one happy, functional relationship this lifetime.  I have a history of jumping in too fast then we both learn all these traits in each other we have trouble with but we're in love now because that's how God designed sex and we plod along for some time until one of us finds something better or has had enough, in my recent case, moved across country.  If either person will do all the work, most any relationship can work but that isn't human nature.  Most of us want our fair share.  I'm in a sparsely populated area with few attractive possibilities.  I'd like an attractive slender woman, I keep myself in shape in large part because I want to be attractive to an attractive woman.
     I just moved from a city of 60,000 with another of 120,000 near by.  There was an over 40's meet up group with hundreds of members, a large singles church group with 160 members, lots of possibilities there.  Here, I'm an hour away from a large town and there are no such groups.  As a recovering alcoholic, I don't need to hang around bars and I don't want a woman who does anyway, so that's out.  I notice some admiring glances from women I'm not attracted to, I've been here over 5 months now and not had a real date yet.  How am I going to find a wife?
     My go between had me edit out all references which made her identifiable and suggested I take out all the personal business to make this more scholarly, but I can't.  Too much of the supernatural is related to the personal, Jesus told me to use rigorous honesty in the counseling session and as I pointed out in #1. INTRODUCTION, the supernatural of God is entertwined with my personal life.
     I've re entered a supernatural life like I was in a few years ago after my baptism of the spirit, but God hasn't turned my prophecy or word of knowledge back on.  I wouldn't be afraid to pray demons out of someone because I know that, as Romans tells us, the gift and the call are irrevocable, I still have the Spirit but he doesn't give me the companionship and certainly not intimacy I crave.  He hasn't played cards with me yet.  I'm feeling better about living alone but don't want to go through life that way.
      In the last couple months since I started this blog after getting my message by word of knowledge, "Keep seeking Him, a big issue will be resolved and you'll find your purpose," I've experience a couple things most people never will.  I learned in HE'S ASKING FOR A HARLOT that our thoughts go up as prayers.  I truly believe my last companion, Chris the Sad Lady, had God put a "hedge of thorns" around me, which wasn't fair.  God must delegate some responsibilites.  In one spot in the Bible, we see a million run of the mill angels and there's no telling how many in the higher specialized categories.  Ok so maybe God didn't break his rules and take away my free will with women for His purposes, maybe a subordinate put up the hedge in response to Chris but it was the same difference to me.
     That wasn't fair.  She's still married to her estranged husband and father of two kids for tax purposes, he hasn't moved on, has little to offer a woman, she found a new man within days of parting company with me and has had a pretend ceremony with him to ease her conscience about another adulterous relationship.  She shared with me when I went to her to get a question to Jesus via her prayer in tongues and ability to interpret them that she still loves me and wants to be my wife. Not fair, God.  She's got 2 husbands now and put me on reserve for the future but I don't want her back, she made my life miserable.  I'd just learned that our thoughts go up as prayer so she didn't pray this, did it by her thoughts and as am I, she's a misfit child, one with a real God connection.  We're still friends, I gave her 5K when we parted just to be a nice guy and help her on her way.
     After learning of this hedge, I got it prayed down, had her release it and part of a dream back in PRAYER OF ? was for me to pray for the removal of any remaining debris from the hedge.  This tells me something about the workings of God.  This prayer was from Him, apparently God Himself has delegates doing things and it would seem they don't always know what each other is doing.  A hedge was erected that shouldn't have been, then I was told in prayer that I needed to pray the rest of it away.  It seems to be down because within about a week of lighting up my singles site and craigslist posting, I suddenly had multiple possibilities.
     By the way, I was a bit deceptive back at the bottom of ANGELS about my education.  I don't have a degree, true, but I have 5 or 6 years of secondary education in a variety of areas, liberal arts, military high tech, applied science and pre engineering math, I always excelled academically, was once deep in high tech.  I had just been mortified by the ignorance I'd discovered in leadership of a large church and thought perhaps I'd shame some professionals with my work.  Some of these mainstream seminary grads aren't very smart in my opinion and I'm sorry, I know how arrogant that sounds.  Most pastors aren't baptized in the Spirit, therefore by the teaching of the Bible aren't qualified to understand things of the Spirit, are leading people astray because of their incompetence and may have literal hell to pay as  JAMES 3:1 warns, "teachers will be judged more harshly.

Edit: I just came back to this after a sermon at the largest church in town.  The pastor preached that we christians are safe from demons.  Well I felt a lot better after getting some prayed out of me last night.  I'm talking to Jesus indirectly and getting regular messages from him, including a recent scolding.  I'm not allowed to share the private messages any more.  I'm pretty sure I'm a christian.
     Satan owns our churches and has us right where he wants us.  With christians being taught this garbage, they won't go for the simple healing available to them.  To my brother in the wheelchair I prayed for this morning, if you recognize yourself, I felt tingles, expect to be feeling some different sensations real soon.  Sunday 6-14-15

     I just came across one leader, a seminary grad who doesn't even understand english, forget discerning things of the spirit, a sermon that appeared to be kindergarten level to me was highly thought of by members.  How many people do they get to lead into hell before they will be required to join them and that leads to my next couple of problems.
     I hope I haven't just had the break through I've been sent after, but God doesn't have to give me the perfect wife so I can clean up and communicate directly with him, becoming a prophet I suppose.  He's already got his prophet team with my go between and me.  She's a sweet, godly woman around 70, would like a companion but is accepting of living alone, probably doesn't struggle with lust as I do so God can give her whatever information He wants out.  I'm at a high level of understanding the Bible, might know how to write, you be the judge, and have the blog in place.  Readership is still low but from the stats page, the world is lighting up.  I've been hit in Canada now and a couple countries in Europe.  He can give his info to my go between since He doesn't want to turn my gifts back on for now, she can give the info to my nasty self and I can write it up.
     I've heard second hand from someone who didn't particularly like me, so I know it was a sincere opinion, that I'm thought of as brilliant but crazy.  (This was from Jezebel's grown son who'd been trained Mom was pure as the driven snow while every new man she'd bring home every couple months was another bad man, so I was bad from the start.)  I never thought of myself as brilliant but in comparison to many people who seem rather ignorant to me, who exasperate me trying to communicate with them, maybe I am.  That's why I need a reasonably intelligent wife.
     I met with my go between last night for some study of the Jewish old testament but it was the same as the christian version,  it turned into a counseling session.  I was at a low place again, just wishing for death with nothingness if I have to go through life alone.  I showed her how to pray spirits of Doubt and Unbelief out of me.  For some mysterious reason, it works better with someone else though Dr. Keyton is at a level where she can work on herself. (JAMES 5:16)  I felt better, she felt her arms warming up but knew it wasn't coming into her.  Usually nothing is felt but big activity is happening in another dimension.
     What a mysterious world we live in.  I told her I think we're something like God's hamsters though at a much lower ratio of understanding than hamsters to people.  I suspect the world and universe is mostly spiritual, but we're in our little cage and can only see a tiny part of the true reality and have a hard time believing what's actually going on.  Science is starting to back this idea up.
     There's not much fun in my life, just work and Bible study, this blog, a few acquaintances from the  gym, AA and church, nobody to go to the lake with, ride bicycles or motorcycles with, go out to dinner, or what I really crave, female companionship and God doesn't have to provide it.  I can't share too much of what my life is really about or people think I'm crazy.
     Further compounding my problem, I well know that those who know better will be punished more severely and teachers will be judged more strictly.  Oh no.  Without intending it or getting paid (in money) for it, this blog has evolved to a point where I'm teaching the world.  I'm stuck.  I can't go out and do what I'd like to do though there are some women who'd help me with that, there're aren't any good possibilities close by, I have to drive an hour and a half to get to them in a larger city, that will make it hard to date and get to know each other.
     Out of the blue, (maybe not as God seems to be putting things in front of me as I need them), Chris, the Sad Lady called me yesterday to see how I was doing. I asked for another prayer session with Jesus.  He always seems to avoid the question but gives indirect advice which, on reflection, usually addresses the root problem.  The gift of tongues is very common but from my experience, interpreting them is quite rare and she has both.  I'd hate to go get involved in another marginal relationship then have some gorgeous creature come to me with the secret question from God.  Is He giving me a wife by supernatural means or do I start looking on my own again, is my main question.  Any advice for me on making the break through?  He seems to be leading me with topics for postings and as I do them, the research and learning happens for me.  You may be reading the journal of the raising of a prophet or you may be reading the delusions of a raving manic, time will tell.  By the way that word, "manic" wasn't misspelled, I don't think I'm a maniac and people used to get that confused, maybe I'm wrong about that too though.
     By the way, I know how to pray nasty things out, I'm safe to do it, if someone doesn't have the baptism, they can work on themselves for sure, probably won't do any good, but if not strong in the faith, may get all the evil into themselves.  I'd be happy to help wherever asked.


In His service, a Misfit Child of God, (hoping for an imminent name change)