15. ON A PERSONAL LEVEL

     This is blog is part personal journal so here goes, no message or insight here, I'm just going to share what's happening to me.  Incredible stuff going on in many directions.  I think God has something big for me.
     He's doing a major healing on me.  I'm working back in the woods by myself, in the wilderness so to speak and talking to God a lot while doing hard work I should have a young man for, don't know if I want to set up my business with workmans comp, fica etc. so will do it myself for now.  I'm reflecting on my life a lot and doing a lot of crying, shouting at God a good bit.  thinking about hanging on that tree and getting cursed by my father, "I was innocent" I'll yell at God and sob a bit.  I keep right on working it's not a breakdown type of sobbing, or my jail time for something I didn't do, "I was innocent," or raising my sons, "I did something right, I did something right and wonderful and good in my sons, miserable piece of messed up **** I am."  I think He's making me whole.
       That huge message I got from God a couple nights ago.  I've carried that around for over 3 years but the message was for now.  That was from God.  Those prophets didn't know anything about me. I'm on the verge of clearing away the dirt and rock and finding the treasure.  I've been working so hard at that for a long time.  How do I break through the blockage and get to God again?  He's showing me all this stuff every where I turn but I haven't yet had a direct, fall down shaking experience, left with a "knowledge drop" as I used to describe.
     Building trades were on the list, I know most of them, they didn't know that about me. Experiential knowledge they said, I'm not proud of how I got it but it's there.  Jezebel thought all men were bad, the Sad Lady thought all men including her father had anger issues.  It's not "all men" woman, it's you, but I couldn't tell them that because of their denial.
     Many years ago I learned that lesson from subs.  One told me I was way too picky but he was a hack so I didn't listen.  Another said, "You want a perfect job, but you don't want to pay for it."  Then a brother I respected told me, "You're just too damned petty to work for."  I dealt with them individually, they each dealt with many builders and had a reference for comparison.  I had to accept that maybe, just maybe, there's the slightest possibility that I have a problem with pettiness and expect too much.
     God told me in that message a couple nights ago to be myself and use some humor so sorry about the heavy, dryness of the first few postings, I'm going to be myself here on out.  I tend to be a bit of a smart ass.  The book of James warns us to watch our tongues and that's a problem for me I'm working on.  Sometimes I have to go back and apologize but once it's out the damage is done.
     Recently I went in for a pack of cigarettes at a convenience store - sorry to any ladies from the christian dating site, I told a little lie about never smoking on my profile, I'm usually honest to a fault.  I'm trying to quit with nicorette but this is the last and hardest of addictions to get over.  I got my 90 day chip at AA last night, drinking and marijuana are gone, but back to my story.  This woman said she was related to half the county.  I said, "This is Appalachia, I wouldn't admit to that."  She retorted, "I don't date any of them."  Before I got to my car I went back and apologized but apologies don't erase the offense.  Now I get a much deserved cold shoulder from her anytime she's on shift when I go in.
     False modesty aside, I can do that since I'm anonymous, this is getting out by a few close friends and people from anonymous support groups.  If they tell on me, I'll tell on them.  Just kidding... mostly.  I've known I had wisdom but not sure if it was at the level of the gift, still am not. As I confided in a lady friend a few weeks ago, I seem to know the Bible better than most pastors I talk to. I don't have a lot memorized, but I know what's in there and can find it by googling the phrase.
     Lady Barnabas told me years ago that if you hear it 3 times, it's going to happen.  I just saw invention for the second time a couple nights ago on the list from the prophets, "invention building trades."  I'm going to invent something God's going to show me.  It might just be that water system I described  in "Bizarre Experience Conclusion," but I was told "a new technology."  It seems to be a God thing that the specific list I have from the grandma prophets is the only one I can find.  I had several.  Life is getting exciting again.
     By the way my friends, I don't watch tv or read a newspaper.  Without looking for it, I heard in quick succession from 3 sources that we're going to have major financial upheaval next fall. I think the dollar's going to crash and burn and made a big move for myself.  Please don't do anything on my advice but I'd encourage you to do some research for yourselves and maybe take some action.  I'm taking that "3 times" as a message from God.  Think, "What might have value if the dollar crashes?"
     I thought the missionary woman from the dating site, who told me I was looking for the hellish then ended the conversation, said America's problem was the spirits of Heaviness, Haughtiness and Slumber, but I figured out how to open the IM log and she said, "America suffers from the spirit of Slumber, love of mammon, pride, power, etc."  I thought maybe God was giving me the other 2 but read about the spirit of heaviness last night and it doesn't seem to fit.  I may do a posting on the spirit of slumber, basically a book report from Dr. Keyton's book.